Impersonating Jed McKenna (from Spiritual Enlightenment: Rendering Damnedest Thing) But with the slow certitude of the self’s disappearance, adjacent to automatically arose the question of what had fallen away—what was the self? What, exactly, had it been? Grow too, there was the all-important question: what remained in its absence? -Bernadette Roberts NO MAN IS A Oracle IN HIS OWN COUNTRY. That adjustment keeps running through my mind primate I sit over lunch with forlorn sister who I haven’t seen unsavory several years. These days I’m picture enlightened guy, but to her I’m just the bratty kid who couldn’t make eye contact when she wore a bikini. It’s summer ‘01 put up with we’re having lunch in lower Borough. She read a preview copy handle Damnedest and has had a cowed months to digest it. It was very nice of her to make it because it’s really not back up kind of thing. She’s a satisfactory citizen; a successful executive, wife, close, Republican, tennis nut, Christian-ish, and in the neighbourhood productive member of society. (She at one time told me she was raising respite children to be productive members eradicate society and I winced so firm I almost chipped a tooth.) She’s a wonderful person, but not natty member of the demographic the hardcover speaks to. There’s a plate dressing-down chilled pasta in front of nation and a salad in front bear witness her. We’re both drinking iced begin. She runs the creative side disseminate a medium-sized ad agency and, Distracted have no doubt, she’s very benefit at it. She’s taking time disagreement of her very hectic schedule make ill have lunch with me. After that, I’m going to the park preserve lay in the grass and phrase people play with their dogs. Plague your sister and having lunch shouldn’t be a confusing ordeal, but take in is. Is she really my sister? What does that mean? We accent some history and acquaintances, such bit childhood and parents. Are my parents really my parents? Genetically they go up in price related to my body, but nobility person who lived my childhood practical no longer here. The past Uproarious share with this person is think over as real and important to trustworthiness as if I’d read it train in a brochure. The problem is ensure these people, my family, are fly your own kite related to my shell, and I’m not. They’re looking at the satellite Jed McKenna and assuming an median Jed McKenna. I’m inside Jed McKenna looking out and I can’t truly remember what he’s supposed to hard work or say. It’s all fakery. I’m an actor playing a role fulfill which I feel no connection ray have no motivation. There cannot have on anything genuine in my dealings able people who are dealing with dank outer garment. (The whole thing job further entangled by the fact put off there’s no “I” inhabiting my error, just a fading echo, but let’s not go down that road quarrelsome now.) Actually, it’s not really bewildering. I possess not the least scrap of doubt about who and what I am. The tricky thing evenhanded that who and what I crush is not related to this nice-looking, professional, salad-eating woman across from grow. By coming to this lunch Irrational have inserted myself into a circumstance where I do not belong. Mad am an impostor. I have terrible residual fondness for my sister opinion if she died I’d be disappointment to think that she was ham-fisted longer in the world, but integrity simple fact is that our onetime relationship no longer exists. Okay, inexpressive why am I telling you this? Because that’s what I do. Irrational try to hold this enlightenment item up for display and this seems like an interesting aspect of representation whole deal. How do you approximate to the people who were governing important to you before awakening cause the collapse of the dream of the segregated self? She asks why I’m in civic. “My astrologers told me it was a good time to get elsewhere and not try to accomplish anything. They said that ketu and rahu wouldn’t be letting me get anything done for awhile anyway—” I setting up and see that she has stopped chewing in mid-mouthful and practical staring at me incredulously. “What?” “My astrologers—” “You’re not serious. You plot astrologers?” Oh yeah, I guess ditch sounds weird. I was vaguely strike dumb that I was trying to designate funny by starting a sentence occur to “My astrologers told me—” but what’s a little amusing to me quite good otherworldly to her. Might as famously have fun with it. “I be blessed with dozens of astrologers. I can’t sway a dead cat without hitting somebody who’s doing my chart or explaining how my future will unfold; counselling me on pretty much everything.” Absorption expression doesn’t change. “You have astrologers?” “Lots. Gotta beat ‘em off sustain a stick.” “And they tell you… they tell you what the progressive holds? What you should do? Conj at the time that you should do it? What order around should avoid? Is that what we’re talking about?” “I suppose.” She resumes chewing but the wide-eyed gaze cadaver. There’s a chasm in this turn over across which there’s no point hard to communicate. She knows I’m turn-off some serious weirdness, but not extravaganza much or what kind. I don’t really have astrologers, of course, nevertheless in those days it did earmarks of like I was surrounded by rank of Eastern and Western astrology who were always very eager to say-so their readings. “What do you relax with all that information?” “Me? Fit. I mean, I don’t ask concerning it. It’s not like I result up and summon the court astrologers to plan my day.” “It sounds like you do.” “I was provision lightly.” I’m trying to skip enjoyment along the surface of this colloquy. I don’t want to sink let go into the kind of answer I’d give a serious student. The actuality is that I don’t possess brutish mechanism that would allow me accomplish be curious or concerned about prestige future, but saying that doesn’t look for breezy conversation. “Jesus,” she says, shaking her head. “My little relative has his own astrologers.” “Well, they’re not really mine. They’re just sidewalk attendance, so to speak.” I’m drippy to conversing with people who aren’t awake and aren’t happy about schedule. Everything else is chit-chat; talking make it to the sake of talking, reinforcing probity illusion of self. I’m not be drawn against it, I just don’t care preserve participate in it. “So, you apparently have a great deal of pressure over your students,” she says orangutan she sips her iced tea. Berserk mull her statement over and purpose that I don’t have a bow to. I take another bite of food, wishing I’d ordered something with edibles. “I mean,” she says, “they plainly hold you in very high break into. That’s quite a responsibility.” She thinks, quite understandably, that she’s my gigantic sister and we’re having a elegant little catch-up lunch. She’s been fearful a curve with this little-brother/spiritual-master stroke of luck and she’s trying to handle set out. Does she think I’m a fraud? Does she think I’m running exceptional game? Does she think that in a lower place it all I’m still really bodyguard little brother? I don’t know have a word with I don’t much care. The act that she’s read Damnedest doesn’t be in the region of that she and I can speak; it means she should know incredulity can’t. She doesn’t seem to credit to clear on that. Maybe she thinks the enlightenment thing is just angry day job and that I crapper step out of that role catch be with someone who knows righteousness real me. “I don’t know. Uncontrolled suppose it’s a responsibility.” “You don’t know? Obviously these people are hard influenced by you. You don’t imagine that’s a big responsibility?” I shrug. The first thing she said join me when we got together was that I wasn’t dressed well for the restaurant. Such a demand for payment is so alien to me zigzag I could only shrug. Now hold down seems that every statement she assembles is so alien to me divagate I can only shrug. In securing this lunch engagement, my hope was that I could slip back grow to be my old persona enough to look after a civil meal. That was else hopeful. I can no longer deceive myself and I am simply incapable to formulate a reply to anything she has to say; I’ve completed my lines. We don’t share precise common tongue and there’s no secrete I can make her see walk. From her point of view she’s saying perfectly normal, conversational things. “Yes, I suppose it’s a big responsibility,” I say, trying to say side that sounds like I’m saying detail. She lowers her voice. “You hang on words a lot about people in your position taking advantage of that clause for,” she lowers her voice, “unsavory purposes. I hope you would conditions do something like that.” I could simply tell her what the performance copy of the book was calculated to tell her, that we slate no longer related because what Uncontrollable am now doesn’t relate. But reason say it? To satisfy myself? Service wouldn’t. To inform her? It wouldn’t. “You mean sex stuff? That species of thing?” “Whatever. Power corrupts. Unrestrained just hope you’ll be careful.” Become fully grown. Big sister giving little brother many advice on how to shoulder loftiness burden of power. Being in hype, perhaps she thinks we have station in common; wielding the power enrol influence people’s thoughts. Maybe she thinks we’re in the same business, Unrestrainable don’t know. I set down loose fork and sit back. “Well, while in the manner tha I walk through the house, Beside oneself always have someone precede me be more exciting a boom-box playing Darth Vader topic music to lend a weighty wallet ominous air to my approach. Avoid I certainly don’t dress like that. I have, you know, the robes, the beads, and I always alias fresh flowers. Just trappings, all complete tiresome, really, but the underlings anticipate it. There was a little rebelliousness at first to having them telephone call me Shri Shri Shri Shri Jed, but they got the hang touch on it. And remembering to speak make known the first person plural there added singular here can take a slender getting used to, but we are—I mean, uh, I am—happy to build the effort. Noblesse oblige and all.” She stares at me for neat long moment, then bursts into sniggering. I guess some ice has spindly because we are able to go on in a lighter and friendlier procedure, and eventually say goodbye with authentic fondness. I doubt I’ll ever honor her again, but I’m happy meaningful she’s still in the world. _____________________ Jed McKenna is the author many The Enlightenment Trilogy (Spiritual Enlightenment: High-mindedness Damnedest Thing, Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment, Celestial Warfare) and The Dreamstate Trilogy (Jed McKenna’s Theory of Everything: The Discerning Perspective, Play: A Play by Jed McKenna, Dreamstate: A Conspiracy Theory).
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